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Work in Progress
This is a special page to illustrate the process of creating a poem. We shall begin with one that had its genesis on the 17th February 2008.
Why did we Come?
Second draft
Why did we come?
We came as visitors, the curious ones who stopped
and walked the island's length
along its viridian lanes,
struck by the silence of green,
conversation scarce where words were surplus.
Why did we come?
We came curious, not knowing if we knew
or could ever know the power
of sky on green, the sea beyond
like something dreamed,
each to our own thoughts.
Why did we come?
We came to move on, to share the sight and sound
of one time only.
That time has gone, its moment
fleeting as a half remembered dream
and where did that go?
This is the second draft. In the original, the last line read ...and where did we go? I felt that where did that go? worked better. In the poem reproduced balow, other modifications have been made, with deletions and additions. For instance, in line 4 of the first stanza, the word 'its' has been deleted. In line 3 of the second stanza, the word 'could' has been replaced with 'might'. The full stop after 'each to our own thoughts' has been deleted and the second stanza now runs into the third without a break with the addition of the word 'so' in the first line of stanza 3. The final modification in this version is the addition of a semicolon at the end of line 5. I felt this was necessary to provide a small pause before the final line.
Why did we come?
Third draft
Why did we come?
We came as visitors, the curious ones who stopped
and walked the island's length
along viridian lanes,
struck by the silence of green,
conversation scarce where words were surplus.
Why did we come?
We came curious, not knowing if we knew
or might ever know the power
of sky on green, the sea beyond
like something dreamed,
each to our own thoughts
so why did we come?
We came to move on, to share the sight and sound
of one time only.
That time has gone, its moment
fleeting as a half remembered dream;
and where did that go?
Without a doubt, more alterations will be made before I am anywhere near satisfied with the result. Keep watching this space to see how a poem develops.
Sure enough, further inspection showed a number of problems that were not obvious at first. First, there was the repetition of the word 'green' in line 5 of the first stanza and line 4 of the second. This looked clumsy. Repetition is fine where it is intentional; for instance, the constantly repeated question: 'Why did we come?' occurs at the beginning of each stanza, with minor variations; i. e., the addition of 'so' and 'after all that'. This repetition forms the essence of the poem, but the repetition of 'green' simply looked careless. As a result of this, line 4 of the second stanza has largely been rewritten.
Another repetition occurred with the word 'dreamed' in line 5 of the second stanza and 'dream' in line 5 of the third. This too has now changed.
'Along viridian lanes', Line 4 of the first stanza has changed to 'to stray viridian lanes'. This, I think, is stronger.
Why did we come?
Fourth draft
Why did we come?
We came as visitors, the curious ones who stopped
and walked the island's length,
to stray viridian lanes,
struck by the silence of green,
conversation scarce where words were surplus.
So why did we come?
We came curious, not knowing if we knew
or might ever know the power
of sky on sky reflected in the sea beyond
like something imagined,
each to our own thoughts.
So why after all that did we come?
We came to move on, to share the sight and sound
of one time only.
That time has gone, its moment
fleeting as a half remembered dream;
and where did that go?
These alterations have also tightened up the rhythm of the piece. Although the line lengths are irregular, there is still a rhythm in the words. Remember, rhythm and metre are two different things. Try reading the poem aloud and you will perhaps see what I mean.
Free verse, although it has no regular metre, should still have rhythm - the natural rhythms of speech. Without that rhythm, it is prose.
This is a natural part of the process of writing a poem. Learn to look for these things. They are surprisingly easy to miss, as I have just demonstrated here to perfection, albeit accidentally.
In this next version, the repetition has been cured by deleting the word 'curious' from line 2 in the second stanza and replacing it with 'to stare'. I think this may have improved the flow as well. The phrase 'as visitors' in line 2 of the first stanza has been replaced with 'to look'. This too, I think. improves the flow. I have also removed a comma from the end of line 3 in the first stanza, feeling it to be unnecessary in that position.
The final adjustment was to replace the semicolon at the end of line 5 in the third stanza with a comma. A pause is required here, but a semicolon I felt was a bit excessive. Here, then, is the latest version.
Why did we Come?
Fifth draft
Why did we come?
We came to look, the curious ones who stopped
and walked the island's length
to stray viridian lanes,
struck by the silence of green,
conversation scarce where words were surplus.
So why did we come?
We came to stare, not knowing if we knew
or might ever know the power
of sky on sky reflected in the sea beyond
like something imagined,
each to our own thoughts,
so why after all that did we come?
We came to move on, to share the sight and sound
of one time only.
That time has gone, its moment
fleeting as a half remembered dream,
and where did that go?
I think now that the poem is more or less complete. It has been rewritten five times, but that is not unusual. Jazz Riff 2 (which see) was rewritten no less than ten times before I was satisfied with it. Although it reads like a free improvisation, it is far from being so.
For comparison, I now reproduce the first draft exactly as it was written.
Why did we come?
First draft
Why did we come? We came
as visitors, the curious ones who stopped
and walked the island's length
along its viridian lanes,
struck by the silence of green,
conversation scarce where words
were surplus.
Why did we come? We came
curious, not knowing if we knew
or could ever know the power
of sky on green, the sea beyond
like something dreamed,
each to our own thoughts.
Why did we come? We came
to move on, to share the sight and sound
of one time only.
That time has gone, its moment
fleeting as a half remembered dream
and where did we go?
Why did we Come?
Second draft
Why did we come?
We came as visitors, the curious ones who stopped
and walked the island's length
along its viridian lanes,
struck by the silence of green,
conversation scarce where words were surplus.
Why did we come?
We came curious, not knowing if we knew
or could ever know the power
of sky on green, the sea beyond
like something dreamed,
each to our own thoughts.
Why did we come?
We came to move on, to share the sight and sound
of one time only.
That time has gone, its moment
fleeting as a half remembered dream
and where did that go?
This is the second draft. In the original, the last line read ...and where did we go? I felt that where did that go? worked better. In the poem reproduced balow, other modifications have been made, with deletions and additions. For instance, in line 4 of the first stanza, the word 'its' has been deleted. In line 3 of the second stanza, the word 'could' has been replaced with 'might'. The full stop after 'each to our own thoughts' has been deleted and the second stanza now runs into the third without a break with the addition of the word 'so' in the first line of stanza 3. The final modification in this version is the addition of a semicolon at the end of line 5. I felt this was necessary to provide a small pause before the final line.
Why did we come?
Third draft
Why did we come?
We came as visitors, the curious ones who stopped
and walked the island's length
along viridian lanes,
struck by the silence of green,
conversation scarce where words were surplus.
Why did we come?
We came curious, not knowing if we knew
or might ever know the power
of sky on green, the sea beyond
like something dreamed,
each to our own thoughts
so why did we come?
We came to move on, to share the sight and sound
of one time only.
That time has gone, its moment
fleeting as a half remembered dream;
and where did that go?
Without a doubt, more alterations will be made before I am anywhere near satisfied with the result. Keep watching this space to see how a poem develops.
____________
Sure enough, further inspection showed a number of problems that were not obvious at first. First, there was the repetition of the word 'green' in line 5 of the first stanza and line 4 of the second. This looked clumsy. Repetition is fine where it is intentional; for instance, the constantly repeated question: 'Why did we come?' occurs at the beginning of each stanza, with minor variations; i. e., the addition of 'so' and 'after all that'. This repetition forms the essence of the poem, but the repetition of 'green' simply looked careless. As a result of this, line 4 of the second stanza has largely been rewritten.
Another repetition occurred with the word 'dreamed' in line 5 of the second stanza and 'dream' in line 5 of the third. This too has now changed.
'Along viridian lanes', Line 4 of the first stanza has changed to 'to stray viridian lanes'. This, I think, is stronger.
Why did we come?
Fourth draft
Why did we come?
We came as visitors, the curious ones who stopped
and walked the island's length,
to stray viridian lanes,
struck by the silence of green,
conversation scarce where words were surplus.
So why did we come?
We came curious, not knowing if we knew
or might ever know the power
of sky on sky reflected in the sea beyond
like something imagined,
each to our own thoughts.
So why after all that did we come?
We came to move on, to share the sight and sound
of one time only.
That time has gone, its moment
fleeting as a half remembered dream;
and where did that go?
These alterations have also tightened up the rhythm of the piece. Although the line lengths are irregular, there is still a rhythm in the words. Remember, rhythm and metre are two different things. Try reading the poem aloud and you will perhaps see what I mean.
Free verse, although it has no regular metre, should still have rhythm - the natural rhythms of speech. Without that rhythm, it is prose.
____________
Isn't it amazing what slips through the net? I failed to spot the accidental repetition of 'curious' in the 2nd line of both the first and second stanzas. This often happens and only becomes obvious after a rest and return to the work. This will now mean another rewrite to cure that particular problem. This is a natural part of the process of writing a poem. Learn to look for these things. They are surprisingly easy to miss, as I have just demonstrated here to perfection, albeit accidentally.
____________
The final adjustment was to replace the semicolon at the end of line 5 in the third stanza with a comma. A pause is required here, but a semicolon I felt was a bit excessive. Here, then, is the latest version.
Why did we Come?
Fifth draft
Why did we come?
We came to look, the curious ones who stopped
and walked the island's length
to stray viridian lanes,
struck by the silence of green,
conversation scarce where words were surplus.
So why did we come?
We came to stare, not knowing if we knew
or might ever know the power
of sky on sky reflected in the sea beyond
like something imagined,
each to our own thoughts,
so why after all that did we come?
We came to move on, to share the sight and sound
of one time only.
That time has gone, its moment
fleeting as a half remembered dream,
and where did that go?
____________
I think now that the poem is more or less complete. It has been rewritten five times, but that is not unusual. Jazz Riff 2 (which see) was rewritten no less than ten times before I was satisfied with it. Although it reads like a free improvisation, it is far from being so.
For comparison, I now reproduce the first draft exactly as it was written.
Why did we come?
First draft
Why did we come? We came
as visitors, the curious ones who stopped
and walked the island's length
along its viridian lanes,
struck by the silence of green,
conversation scarce where words
were surplus.
Why did we come? We came
curious, not knowing if we knew
or could ever know the power
of sky on green, the sea beyond
like something dreamed,
each to our own thoughts.
Why did we come? We came
to move on, to share the sight and sound
of one time only.
That time has gone, its moment
fleeting as a half remembered dream
and where did we go?
Dickpoet |
Latest page update: made by Dickpoet
, Mar 13 2008, 9:53 AM EDT
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Edited by Dickpoet
9 words added 3 words deleted view changes - complete history) |
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Richard J. N. Copeland
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